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It's a Blog!

Monday night was a coming out of sorts. It’s nice to finally spill my secrets to the world and the reaction has been absolutely overwhelming. I had no idea so many people are going through or have gone through what I have been experiencing the past few years. In a way, it’s devastating. Why bad things happen to good people, we may never know. But it’s also comforting that others have “survived” what feels like eternal hell and have come out on the other side with beautiful, healthy children. The most surprising part, at least to me, is that their pain was so tightly hidden that I would have NEVER suspected that they went through something similar, and sometimes even worse.

I’ve had the idea to do this for a while. I even took the name on Instagram about a year ago in the hopes to one day come out of my shell, face the world, and tell others about how baking has changed my life. But I wasn’t ready until now. The truth is, I wasn’t even ready to try to have a baby again because I couldn’t face the same loss and trauma. The pain was too much, both physically and emotionally. People say things like this all the time, but I really mean it. Baking was the only thing that made me happy. Well, not happy, but it numbed the pain. Then, last week when I was commissioned to do a painted cake and picked up a paintbrush for the first time in years, I really did feel happy again. Not "scream from the rooftop" and "dance in elation" happy, but at least it made me want to get out of bed for once in a VERY long time.

All of this said, I’m starting a blog. Whatever that means. I’ve never followed a blog and don’t even really know what it entails. For me, it’s going to be a public diary about my journey through infertility and the very long road I have ahead. Follow along with me, or don’t. I won’t take it personally. I’m really doing this for the people who aren’t ready to come out of the proverbial lonely infertility closest. I’m taking one for the team, if you will. I’ll be documenting my doctor’s appointments, sharing how baking has transformed my life, the good, the bad, the ugly, the expenses (the scary ugly), all of it. Because I wish someone had done this years ago when I needed to know I wasn’t alone. Especially in a religious world where life really only starts, or matters, once you’re married and have children. I’m not happy. I’m far from it. But I’m baking my way to happiness.

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